Yesterday my coworker shared with me a post that in the last week has gone viral in Russian social media. Titled “Seven Things That Women Frankly Are Lacking,” it left several of my female colleagues feeling insulted and aggrieved by [spoiler alert!] its blatantly sexist message. I found it pretty face-palmy, but mostly laugh-out-loud hilarious. By the way, it was published in Cluber*, an online magazine that is devoted to “personal growth and improvement” and whose main objective is “the development of a conscious society.” Good luck with that, kids!

Without further ado, here is my quickie translation of this highly “instructive” gem: read, learn, enjoy!

List of seven qualities that are lacking in most women and having which will make women perfect in the eyes of men.

Somehow it turns out that I am always defending women. I fundamentally disagree with the statement that all women are bitches, etc. For example, in my family, all the women are independent and financially secure, have jobs they love and which they have no plans to give up even after reaching retirement age. Perhaps that is why I used to think that all women belonged to that category of “women in Russian settlements,” exalted in that classic poem [translator note: the best-known lines in this famous poem by Nikolay Nekrasov are “There are some women in Russian settlements…She will protect you in the face of danger, She can stop a galloping horse, And enter a burning hut!”…talk about high standards!]. Like, everyone should be engaged in something, have some hobbies and maintain rich lifestyle. Moreover, those hobbies should not be shopping and empty gossip, but something useful for herself and for her family .

Alas, the evidence suggests that such women are much less than common than “natural blondes” and notorious female conversations that can sometimes be overheard accidentally or intentionally in public, cause sometimes laughter but sometimes irritation. I do not believe in and I do not want to believe in some kind of inherent feminine (and masculine) qualities.

Women make themselves into the kind of women they want to be. Being “a blonde” is too comfortable and safe to give up, and one needs to be a truly great and strong woman to be able to constantly evolve and self-improve.

I have prepared a list of seven things that, in my opinion, are not sufficiently present in women. If you combine all of them in one woman, you’ll get the perfect representative of the fairer sex. But I believe that to make a regular guy happy, just half of this list will be enough. 

1. The majority of women do not have enough passion and hobbies.

I’m not talking about the kind of enthusiasm with which they rush to marry a suitable “bag with money.” Here no additional passion is needed. I’m talking about the kind of enthusiasm that can somehow define a woman as a person. It’s possible to be really into embroidery, painting, volunteer work, reading good (I must emphasize – good!) books and discussing them with friends. Maybe engage in some kind of sport or simply support a team. Collect something, even. In general, at least pay attention to something other than yourself. Develop in at least one direction, but it can be even two or three – although I don’t want to overshoot it.

Unfortunately, most women only show passion when hunting for a man. Here, to draw attention, they “come to play”. And to watch football, to try and understand boxing, to go fishing . But only up to a point . Once the victim has been hooked and after he naively runs to the City Hall, passion fades and the miserable husband, who only yesterday was at a football match with his bride, ardently arguing that Filippo Inzaghi is the best player in history of the Italian national team, while his beloved was assuring him that undeniably it’s Roberto Baggio, today has to hear that football it boring and lame, and that he shouldn’t be taking up the TV time with it while there’s a tear-jerking soap opera on another channel. 

I have nothing against soap operas. Moreover, experience shows that following the marriage men calmly adopt women’s interests and watch House-2 [translator note: Russian soap] or annoying romantic comedies, discussing the characters and their wives and not showing hatred for pretty boys like Jared Leto or Ben Affleck. But  the ladies somehow believe that after getting a marriage certificate, a man must leave all his hobbies in his past life and adopt one single passion – his beloved wife .

2. Girls lack easy-going attitude.

Does anyone pay attention to how differently women communicate with each other, compared to men? We men may get into a fight, and an hour later we’re talking as if nothing had happened. Women take to heart any askance look, and will remember it for years. Women’s resentment capacity can be astounding. And I think that it’s just out of boredom. Have they had hobbies, their heads would have been occupied with other thoughts. But instead they need something with which to fill their heads when they are not watching soaps. 

Of course, there are exceptions among girls, those who are pleasant to chat and be friends with, but, again, unfortunately, in reality, in most cases, once the friendship ends and a relationship begins, the good female friend disappears and is replaced with a standard boring woman. However, there are still exceptions (so we must keep telling ourselves), so you need to keep looking for them and not give up.

3 . Girls desperately try to avoid self-sufficiency.

This too, in my opinion, is a too typical female shortcoming. They do not feel the need to answer for their words, and their typical blatant excuse for that is “I’m a woman, what did you expect?” Thinking before acting is also not a female trait; most women give off an impression that they are totally lacking the brains to think with.

And after they do something stupid, they blame the man for not thinking, for not holding them back, for not doing something. Actually, they don’t want to deal with their problems themselves at all. They want to have a man with whom it’s like being “behind a stone wall.” But any stone wall eventually collapses if overloaded early and often, and then you have to run right back to the City Hall for divorce papers. 

4. Many women lack depth, plain and simple.

Here once again you could recall the passion that is missing in women. Superficiality in all is awful. No interests, no hobbies, etc. At first glance she looks like a reasonable person, trying to hold a discussion about something, but then you try to delve deeper into the chosen topic and you realize that she’s “floating on the surface.” And it becomes so sad, that once again you’ve been deceived because once again you’ve met “the blonde” and “an airhead.” The saying that “some people’s head is there just to wear a hat” rings very true.  I just wonder, how are they, themselves, not bored to live like that? Day after day the same empty talk, soaps, clothes and nothing more. I would go mad from just one week of such a life. 

5. Women just are not able to live for themselves.

They somehow think that to live for a man is the meaning of life, and the man in question will be grateful for the devotion. The woman gets clingy, to the point that this suffocating attachment simply kills. And then she tries to change the man, make him fit her hold, ignores his tastes and interests, and so forth. You start listening to this and realize that you’re not even close to being the man of her dreams, so what is she even doing with you? Go away and find yourself your ideal, who does everything right. And here’s the other thing: women themselves cannot stand it the man tries to change anything about them, their behavior or even makes the smallest critical remark. They start screaming, like, well, if you don’t like me there are plenty of others who do, so I don’t care about your opinion! Where is the logic, pray-tell?

What is most upsetting is that a woman will try to change the man not so much for herself, but for her girlfriends: “Their guys are trained, they do what they’re told. Am I worse? I too must be envied, when my man is the most perfect one, the most obedient one.” And when the imperfect one cannot deal with this and gathers his things, she breaks  down sobbing, crying that she cannot live without him! And all this because she is too ashamed to tell her girlfriends that her man left her. I tend to think that women only marry so that they can match the opinion their girlfriends have of them [translator note: this is just as odd-sounding in Russian and I do not fully understand what is meant by this], and so that they don’t have to go out in public unaccompanied .

6. Women lack a sense of humor.

Women have absolutely no sense of self-irony or an ability to make a funny comeback. They enjoy being firmly glued to their pedestals far too much to ever come down. They don’t want to give up their moralizing. And men get bored with being lectured all the time. An ability to make a quick joke, or just laugh at one, can diffuse tense and unpleasant moments in a conversation.

7. Individuality — that’s what every woman needs.

They always feel that they are the object of someone’s attention and try to match the image of an ideal woman. And it’s boring. Men like natural, real. Try to just be as you are and do not try to appear better. Otherwise it will turn out worse.

I am VERY much looking forward to the comments on this one!

*Cluber is a Russian-language site despite having Ukrainian web domain, so I think it’s fair to use it as a sample of Russian culture.

I'd like to be a delicate little woman...but the horses keep galloping and the huts keep burning.

I’d like to be a delicate little woman for a bit…but the horses keep running and the huts keep burning.

56 thoughts on “WHAT WOMEN NEED

  1. I’m not sure weather to laugh or cry! Either way, this is disturbing. And I have to ask, was this for real? I’m not sure if it has something to do with the date, but this is the 4th time this morning I’ve come across the word “misogyny” – should I be worried?

    • You mean, was he trolling? Nah, I think this is for real – sadly, his views are openly shared and expressed by a whole lot of the woods. Some of his off the cuff generalizations were so ridiculous, I cannot be seriously mad at it.

      I think the date is a coincidence. The article was originally published on the 8th of May, I only just saw it yesterday.

  2. I. Love. This!!! Thanks so much for translating. I can’t form a coherent thought coz it’s coming up for 3am, apart from: this was seriously hilarious. And I’ve a feeling it’s going to be Linda’s favourite post of the month. Or this year. Or ever! LOL.

  3. Yup. I’m sure your translation was great, but I didn’t even get halfway through that crapola. Sorry dude, I’m just too busy corralling horses and running into burning buildings. Or somthing.

  4. life is your mirror. so the writer should ponder why he is almost exclusively focussing and dating these kind of women which indeed also exist. he’s presenting us hereby openly the mirror of his own silly and boring tight world.

  5. Im sorry but Russian men suck. During my visits in Russia Ive actually met guys who complained that women nowadays have too many hobbies, are too smart and deep and their attitude is too easy going. For real, they think that women should be wearing hidjabs avoid any contact with men untill father marries them off and spend most of their time in the kitchen instead of reading books. I ve met this hostile attitude from so many Russian/Ukrainian men and now this article…. its like your men do not know what they want!

    • Absolutely agreed. On dates here I’ve been told that I need to be ‘saved’ from my job and hobbies/passions, and to focus on the right things – man and family.

      • thsi arrogant douchebag should come to Austria or UK for a reality check. Truth be told we have lots of smart, sophisticated and good looking women here but none of them would give him even a glance if you know what I mean

  6. Had to read this one twice, if this is what he’s looking for I think he is gay. He’s great at describing all the characteristics he wants and expects, he just lacks the depth of understanding that if women were like that, they sure as heck wouldn’t need men. Please tell me I’m wrong. I don’t usually use these kinds of expressions but I agree with Expat eye, what a fucktard.

      • hey Anna im sorry to disturb, but why not to find a decent bloke In America? Or you decided to settle in Russia for life?

        • HAHAHA. Even though I am not sure if I am back to Russia for life, I don’t plan on coming back to the States to live. I am not exactly actively ‘looking,’ either, but the guys I occasionally go out with here are either fellow expats or very westernized.

          • hmmm, then that shouldnt be a problem) Personally I could not imagine myself living neither in Moscow nor in New York to be honest. Smal cities rule. Although if Mr. Poo decides to launch a third world war, no place will be safe so…

  7. This post is SO MUCH WIN. Hilarious, and very astute – clearly that’s what we’re all lacking….that’s why we’re single. Obviously some people aren’t seeing this post as tongue-in-cheek, but I love it. It’s still the attitude over here too, with the Old Boys’ Club, so you aren’t alone – I’m just lucky to live in the States where our generation is less misogynistic.

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